I changed distraction to victim, because these words aren’t built on distracting myself on what I’m feeling right now as all my words were before. They’re not some politically incorrect and morbid punchline to keep the smile on my face, to make my CNS feel like there is something to feel good about, to force the “don’t worry guys, she’s fine… don’t know why, but she’s smiling about something.” hormones through me. Distraction was initially a poor choice. My direction should of always been victim. These words aren’t nice, and as funny as I thought/think my jokes are/were funny at the time, there is and was always that sense of its origin. The lingering of the truth, and the laugh and smile always ended in a sigh. A longing stare in the direction away from any eyes or object, a blankness where the sense of sight isn’t needed at all. Only a gaze where none of the senses are needed, just numbness.
No news. News is easy. News is, in more than the definition alone, new. The usual is being kept in the dark, away from facts and truth. Society doesn’t like the truth. Truth is hard, and people prefer easy. The short cut, the easy way out, the white lie. Hard means incorporating a sense of responsibility into a situation which no one wants to claim. It’s understandable, unfortunately the saying ‘don’t shoot the messenger.’ is true, but even if it’s not their fault for any hurt caused – everyone needs an outlet.
It’s called ‘brutal honesty’ for a reason, it hurts and it sucks. My coping systems so far have been:
1) A batman jumper which really is nothing but a woolen reminder of how as much as the imagination can create a hero and a security blanket, it will never replace the one hero and security blanket I only ever had.
2) Work. Keeping myself distracted and doing something productive. Terrible idea.
3) Running. If a metaphor was a verb, this would be it. Running to run away from my problems. Hard to be upset about the troubles in your life when you’re busy breathing in and out to a pace in which the body is unprepared and the subconscious is overwhelmed.
4) Alcohol. It numbs, it hurts and its necessary. Although as negative as it is as compared to the above, probably the most natural and socially acceptable.
5) A welcomed substitute. Now gone, and unfortunately for the better.
So I took off work for a week, it’s raining outside so I can’t run. I wore my batman jumper but now I’m too upset at its sentiment to put it back on. #5, is no longer on the list. The alcohol however, is the only man standing.
Last night was still more denial than acceptance, tonight is more acceptance than denial. When you realize that you’re not only hiding from grief, but reality, you see why you were so strung up in the defense mechanism to begin with. I’m not going to detail my depression. Sah boring. Fun fact though, this is how it feels like when flashes of acceptance shine through:
You feel your heart, the muscle, you feel it hurt, you feel its circumference beneath your chest, and you feel it almost breaking and falling away from itself. Your immediate reaction is to clutch at your skin, thinking that your hands are going to grasp the breaking pieces beneath and put it back together or at least hold it in place. But this is temporary, naive, and beyond stupid. But the hurt is real, the physical pain is real, and it’s scary. It’s terrifying. That’s why the defense mechanism persists. Because pain killers won’t work, and that feeling is something that involves so much energy that the body refuses to allow it to linger. Again, Darwinism, this time at its more productive.
Long story short. No update. Just emotion. One of these days…
Until then x