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I was going to start this with the sentence ‘I’m generally not a competitive person.’, but then the moment I was about to even press the keys on my laptop I laughed and realized how untrue that statement actually is. It would be nice if I wasn’t such a competitive person, but I am. I like to prove that I’m right, or more that I’m not wrong (which are completely different things). When I run, I usually run for myself, I go at my own pace and I enjoy the scenery. The moment another runner joins the track, I have to be ahead. I sprint, push myself, and race ahead for no reason other than I tell myself too. “You can do it. You’re going to do it.” Motivation, probably more detrimental than anything. Specifically in reflection of my current situation, sleep deprived because of a knee injury I’ve obviously caused myself from pushing myself too much.

When people at work try to tell me to do anything, my first reaction is on the defense – even though it may be constructive I literally can’t help but see it as an attack and spark up. I know this causes issues, and I have tried to tone it down. But it’s always there, it’s instinct. When someone else is trying to out run me, I have to run faster. When someone tries to help me, I feel like its them assuming I can’t handle something on my own. All of these things are so stupid, so inefficient. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but sabotage myself.

Why is it that I need to try so hard to prove that I’m stronger than I am, that I can’t let an inch of vulnerability show yet when proving otherwise I’m putting myself in a more vulnerable position? The human mind, a fickle and stupid thing. The fight or flight response, when fighting is more harmful than the presented situation.

On the other side, if anyone compliments me about my appearance or anything really I can’t help but to reflect it away. If someone says I’m pretty, I blame make up. If anyone says I’ve done something well, I can’t help to be almost sarcastic and pass it off as a fluke. Do I think that getting acceptance from someone is going to lead me to disappointment? Or am I just my own worst enemy, and at the same time, my biggest weapon of defense.

Maybe it’s because I like to be in control, I need to be in control. I need to tell myself when I’ve done something well, and I need to alert myself when I’ve done something wrong. Only I can fix things, or decide when they need fixing… it’s a tiresome life.

Possibly a good idea for a new years resolution. To be less stubborn, to be more open to others. To stop hiding behind a defense mechanism that’s causing more damage than protecting. Now to find another coping mechanism to replace running…

…til next time x

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