, , , , , , , , , , ,

I haven’t written for a while, two whole days to be specific which probably isn’t much for most bloggers but as I’ve been using this as a daily outlet for my emotions, I’m feeling a bit pent up. People seem to always make excuses when they’ve been absent I’ve noticed. On popular websites or youtube channels, I don’t think my audience are quite that reliant on my written word but than in addition I don’t really believe in excuses, only reasons.

Couple of definitions of excuse (**I’ve noticed I seem to have a weird obsession with breaking down words, like some sadistic episode of play school, except instead of pointing out the words merits I prefer teaching about its ironically flexible flaws.)

1 – seek to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offence); try to justify.

2 – release (someone) from a duty or requirement.

3 – a reason or explanation given to justify a fault or offence.

4 – a poor or inadequate example of.

It can be the action of seeking to make something sound more reasonable or as a noun, it is the justification. It can let some one off the hook from doing something, or it can have negative connotations which describe the inadequacy of something. How it goes from being describing a justification to freedom than to prosecution, again… English… such a funny character.

This development probably came more from life, more from the disappointment brought on by an excuse. An action of something that usually tries to defend something usually seen as negative, upsetting and annoying, to something that is deemed okay due to an exception. Which really just makes it ‘acceptable’ but doesn’t make it any less frustrating. It’s this frustration that I think gives the derivation to the 4th life of the word.

So lets throw that ‘E’ word out the door, mainly because I think its a one-word-contradiction, oxymoron-esque, and I personally don’t like it. I’ve had a lot of disappointment in my life, and I don’t like how that one word, that one action has ensured that all those feelings of angst usually became deemed as irrational and over dramatic. Oh excuses… how I hate you so…

Continuing on my pre-rant direction, I haven’t written for the last couple of days because I have been completely inundated by work. Suffocated by it to the point where I really don’t think I should keep letting it push me down. But than again, I saw a horoscope somewhere at some point that said its wise to hold on to my job as it would look better on my resume. Specific, no?

I was given a promotion, however never get the correlating respect or authority unless something bad happens. Then its my responsibility. I get patronized every step of the way, when I go out of my way and show initiative it’s greeted with a ‘We appreciate all of your initiative/determination/enthusiasm/hard work/etc. but next time don’t.’

I’m getting better at keeping quiet, standing down. I’ve noticed people ‘higher up’ don’t like seeing anyone standing on their tippy toes. They go straight on the defensive. You try to help and point some things out, but apparently these are deemed as ‘attacks’. By mentioning things that we can fix, strategies of defense against the actual enemy, I’m in essence (apparently) telling them they’re wrong and my words are pretty much condemned as treason – which is not the case at all. I mention an observation, followed by a possible solution or two and always add on – just thought I’d let you be aware for future reference. Giving them a handy advantage against whatever it is out there which I’m copping the blame for. Really, I’m just updating them. I’m on their team… unfortunately.

If I had to put work right now in a metaphor… I just thought of one, but it included my dad and don’t have enough energy to cry right now. Ha, why I add this running commentary I don’t know, but I suppose that’s the charm of my writing habits. Plan nothing, write something, and branch off from there until one sentence seems conclusive enough to finish it.

Long story short, I don’t like work right now. It’s effecting me. I have so much on this week, and everything seems to be happening at the same time. This week a new menu was launched, a new store opens, I have a funeral tomorrow, I finally get told that everything’s my responsibility, the astrologer I wanted to see comes back tomorrow, some other things… including the high chance that this is most likely the week I find out the autopsy results of my dad… one and a half months later.

I apologize in advance for my lack of updating (even though that’s probably not an issue or a thing, but it’s a thing to me so maybe I’m just saying sorry to myself? Again, this running commentary thing… probably something I need to reconsider for future posts). I should write more, it’ll help. Especially this week, possibly the week.

That sentence seems conclusive enough,

Till next time x