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I have so much negative and depressing things to talk about. I went to another funeral yesterday, all my conversations and epiphanies were morbid and drowning. I don’t want to talk about how glum things have been. I’m over it… well for this morning anyway. This morning I just feel like pointing out the minority of highlights rather than the majority of negatives. It feels like a positive kind of morning, how am I supposed to dictate otherwise? (which now I think of it, is completely decided on my own interpretation, as I remember skimming through a head line in the paper this morning describing today as the ‘wettest and coldest’ summers day yet.)

The highlight reel:

  1. Three people congratulated me on different occasions for having such a positive and logical way of thinking.
  2. Someone at work said, “Your approval means a lot.”
  3. …I legit thought there were more… ha, oh the optimism…

Maybe I’m just relatively positive and optimistic in juxtaposition to my circumstances. Maybe people only consider my way of thinking to be logical for a 22 year old. Maybe I’ve just ruined all my positivity with the last accusatory sentence… now I remember!

3. I met someone that made me realise I’m not as much as a hypocrite as I first thought.

So, lets run through the list. Firstly, my way of thinking. Funnily enough through my posts I seem very dark, pessimistic and hating on the world, but in reality I’m actually quite pleasant and motivated when apparently some would be paralyzed by their circumstances. I don’t like the idea of living a shitty life because that’s how life’s kindly been treating me right now. I want to overcome these obstacles as catalysts that drive me in a positive motion. I want to push back, I’m not going to let these things kick me when I’m down. If I have the ability to think, to control my mind set – why would I constantly think of the negatives in life?

That point might be a bit arbitrary or irrational. Its a strange concept I feel that some fight against. It’s one of those developments I discovered whilst writing. Some people are scared to be happy when they should be sad. This is the thing I realised which was getting me fairly overwhelmed. This need of acceptance, some fit of crying and hyperventilating to show how heartbroken I am. So that I and the world could acknowledge what I’m going through. Then I realised that this need was based on societies expectations. Why do I need to cry to show that I’m not okay? Why do I have to allow myself to be hindered by my shortcomings when I can move forward and use them to make me a more motivated and stronger person? I know I hurt, I know I’m heartbroken, I know I’m not the same person as I was 2 months ago. Why does this knowledge need to be shared? You don’t have to let your circumstances dictate your life… and that’s my way of thinking! Which some seemed to think was beyond my years. Logic doesn’t have an age, but I appreciate the gestures all the same.

Secondly, yesterday I was actually appreciated and respected at work. Something that apparently should be common and expected at the workplace!? Who knew… and I wasn’t even really working. Just constantly on my phone and emailing (it was my day off), maybe I should stay away from work more. Apparently I’m only appreciated when I’m not there, as that little saying goes – You don’t know what you’ve got ’til its gone. Its still nice to know that people do actually respect my opinion. Even if its not my manager, everyone else seems to. It helps that I got the highest sales throughout the week since opening. As much as I try, and get pushed back down, I like to think my initiative, determination and enthusiasm still will get me somewhere. Even if that somewhere is more distant and difficult to get to then I would like, life’s a journey so why be scared of distance?

Lastly! The hypocrite. He described himself as a pendulum, which I found out was just a cover up word he used to hide the fact that he actually had no solid opinions. I worry sometimes that I contradict myself, but how I see myself as a hypocrite isn’t the detrimental form in which I only preach with no practice, or practice against what I preach. It’s more that I feel like I have growing ideas that seem to fall on itself sometimes. But that’s just an element of growing up, the natural realisation that the world is ever changing, your views on things evolve for the better and sometimes contradict previous views. The difference is, once my opinions change, I don’t go back. I’m stubborn like that. This guy however… ha… everything he said was contradicted seconds later by the next sentence. I think he thought he was showing how open minded he was? I was pretty blunt about this, straight up told him of these findings to which his response was… ha… brace yourself…

Me: “You are probably the biggest hypocrite I think I’ve ever met. You’ve literally followed up each of your views on life with a contradiction. I don’t mean to be harsh, but for someone so opinionated, you actually don’t have any solid opinions on anything.”

Him: “That’s not the case at all, if I told you everything and we continued this conversation, it would get way too deep and I don’t want to make you cry. It’ll get way too emotional.”

Hahaha… oh how I laughed. Make me cry? The girl that barely even cried at her dads funeral, and he thought he could give me a snippet of life so deep and meaningful which would negate any witnessed hypocrisy and bring me to tears? I told him he was wrong, I told him he couldn’t make me cry if he tried. If I couldn’t make myself cry when I thought I needed to, how could he? He said that my problem was I didn’t know him enough to see that everything he was saying wasn’t actually a string of continuous contradictions, that if I knew him I could decipher it all and realise all of his opinions and views were solid… I left soon after this. Mainly because I was tired and knew that what ever I had to say would be followed by another excuse, and if anyone read the last post they would realise why this would be my cue to exit the conversation. So if I did stay, hypothetically speaking, and he did actually listen to what I was saying rather than pretend to be impressed by me and follow up with some more contradictions, this is what I would’ve said –

“Its refreshing to meet someone so pessimistic and optimistic at the same time. You have all the opinions in the world, literally you took all of them. My interpretation of this all is your profoundly confused on every front of thinking, yet your telling me that if we continued talking, I would understand each and everyone of your contradictions, be overwhelmed by your wisdom, and break down in tears? I’m wearing this black dress right now because this is my 2nd funeral in three weeks, technically there was a third but I had to work. Forced to really. I know how this world can hurt, and I know how it can be beautiful. I’ve seen, felt, and immersed myself in what this world can do and I’m just giving you a heads up, save your time trying to convince me of how brilliant your opinions are, and spend that time actually finding one.

I just want to point out I don’t think I am wiser than most. I don’t think my way of thinking is correct, I don’t think my opinions are better than any others. I’m stubborn with my views but completely open to anyone and everyones different perceptions of this world. I won’t listen to someone however who is happy not just to sit on both sides of the fence, but to preach from them as well. Opinions are strong, objective and powerful ideas that make us who we are. They differentiate us and its our opinions that in some way make us human. They can create amazing things, or destroy everything. They shouldn’t be taken lightly, and they shouldn’t be used in vain.

My opinion of an opinion I suppose?

Til next time x