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So apparently it’s a thing…

Heart Break Syndrome –

Broken heart syndrome is a temporary heart condition that’s often brought on by stressful situations, such as the death of a loved one. People with broken heart syndrome may have sudden chest pain or think they’re having a heart attack. In broken heart syndrome, there’s a temporary disruption of your heart’s normal pumping function, while the remainder of the heart functions normally or with even more forceful contractions.

I’ve been waking up with chest pains a lot recently, a combination of reasons and unwanted events and situations. The lovely synopsis I got from Mayo Clinic above also reassures that it should work itself out in a week. A week.

I found that slightly humorous, mainly because I’ve always seen it as such a mentally derived phantom of a pain. However its so real that the cells in your body through evolution have formed a mechanistic approach to fixing it.

When I was younger I had two ‘Love Birds’, they’re beautiful parrots touched by every colour of the rainbow. Their story is that they have to be in a pair, the urban legend behind it was that, as the name suggests, they’re super affectionate birds and need to have a partner.

Unfortunately, as time passed, one of the feathered lovers outlived the other. We put a mirror in the cage, we gave it our love, attention and affection. However something very strange happened at the end of this couples tale. A week after the loss, this bird also died. The circumstances very strange, without sounding too blunt or graphic, it had quite literally pecked at its chest. Just where its heart was, all the feathers were absent, and it was lying at the bottom of the cage. It had pecked its heart out. Maybe trying to scratch its itch, soothe its pain – desperately and drastically attempting to heal its broken heart.

This always seems to come across as more of a fable when the story is told, but it most definitely happened. I was there, 7 years of age, and somewhat understanding of its Romeo & Juliette like ending. Because when we first got them, I asked, I was told, and I understood.

“Why are they called Lovebirds?? Is that why we have two!?” The annoying squeaks of a forever curious little girl.

“Because. That’s what they’re called. Because that’s what they do, they love. They’re love birds. Yes, that’s why there are two. Now be a good girl and leave them alone so they can settle in.” The tired murmurs of a parent regretting their choices instantly, why didn’t we just get a budgie?

So when the last one died, I knew why. Because.

I think about that sometimes when I feel this constant strain in my chest. Us humans don’t need to love to live. We can function quite fine, and we can even heal ourselves if we ever do fall in the trap of love only to lose it.

So this heart break is new and different, its shared with my existing pain but grown by another. That saying… Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all… Mmm… maybe. This ache argues otherwise.

Would you say its better to be wealthy, then bankrupt as opposed to just doing alright? Just having enough. But is enough, enough? Is it these ever rotating highs and lows that make us feel alive, or is it these stressors that are slowly taking our life away. Slowly making are heart more full, only to make it weaker.

When my dad passed, his heart was six times the size of the usual person. Did he love too much? Was it love that killed him?

Loss isn’t what breaks us, it’s not unfortunate circumstances, its not bad choices. It’s the absence of love. It’s a drug that we all abuse, with all the detrimental consequences, with all the highs and euphoria, the pinnacle of addiction.

It’s what we all want and crave, and its what will destroy us the most.

Apologies if this came across really harsh or negative, I meant it to be more observant, I don’t hate love at all, nor am I against it. I’m just as addicted to it as the rest of us.

Till next time x

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