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I’m in that completely unproductive mood when I just feel like playing with words and seeing what they say. Kind of like how people shake a bag of runes and throw them to a surface, or maybe how people drink a cup of tea and observe the predictive shapes left by the leaves.

At the moment I feel restless, I’m tapping on the keyboard lightly enough not to press down or produce anything other than a whispering sound of percussion. A tempo which can only be described as bored and anxious. When it becomes apparent that anxiety isn’t a momentary emotion, but a constant condition which becomes more or less apparent at times you start to realise how exhausting one emotion can be. My anxiety is pattering at the moment, made audible by the tips of my fingers…

T-t-t-t-ttt-t-t-t-ttt-t-t-t-ttt-ttttttttttt.

So I’m seeing a Chinese Astrologist on Wednesday, more than slightly excited, but of course nervous and that forever rampant undertone of anxious. My friend went the other day and there might of been reference to me in his reading. Does that mean this guy will already have a faint idea of who I am? I’d say that would make my reading biased, but I don’t think outside prejudice can really be of any effect in something which is highly reliant on a personal interpretation to begin with.

Ahh how my words become so easily tediously jumbled at times…

At the moment I have this heavy feeling that all the choices I’ve been making as of late are wrong. This is solidified by seeing the possibilities of what I would’ve experienced if I did things slightly differently. The missed opportunities, and the questionable current situation. I’ve always felt that everything happens for a reason, I’ve always firmly lived by this. It’s a nice statement, makes regret seem redundant and naive. Now however I feel like this impression is more relevant to me than how I felt about regret, I feel like I’ve been taking the easier options lately and its taking a toll. The easiest option always leads to the more difficult lifestyle.

I was thinking about this in one of my infamous car trips lately – What if things don’t happen for a reason? But more you are the reason things happen. No outlying factors, no fate to make any action seem prophetic and necessary. Just the realisation that this is all you, and you have no one to blame or thank but yourself. Deep down, I know this is very much the truth, the brutal honesty of what we call life. But I have to admit, I don’t like it one bit. I like the magic of thinking this universe has a lot more to say than we think it does, that it has an element of pull which it is readily happy to demonstrate.

Serendipity: the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Coincidence: a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.

Fate: the development of events outside a person’s control, regarded as predetermined by a supernatural power.

Destiny: the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.

Future [noun]: the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.

Future [adj.]: at a later time; going or likely to happen or exist.

How can we have so many words to describe something so alternate in a way theoretical but at the same time so vital, so fundamental. We couldn’t move forward without seeing what was in front of us. Yet in all honesty, the truth is we walk completely blind. We openly talk about the future, a concept defined both as being an event which will necessarily happen, with compulsion of requirement, an inevitability. However as a descriptive, is much weaker in its ability, like most words when they fall down the ranks to describe something as opposed to stand in its own entirety and vindication. The difference between justice and judicial, the act of taking something of magnitude and using only its reflection. Act isn’t the right word to use… the art.

I used Serendipity in my little list as a point of reference, because its antonym doesn’t need to be defined, this blog is definition enough of its opposite. ‘Life tips of a Hypocrite, the tale of misfortune, the collective words of a divided mind.’

So when we talk about the future, when we plan for the future, how do we make sure that it stands as strong as its meaning as a noun? The answer is simple, we can’t. The only way to secure something that hasn’t happened yet with so much adamancy that its a given, is to speak about the past in relation to its future, the present. The future may be of our control, but the universe does have it’s say, its not fate or destiny, but the environment and context it creates that shapes possibilities. I’m not expecting to be told at my reading what the future holds for me, what I’m going to do and what I should do when certain opportunities arise… to be honest I don’t know what I want out of it… maybe a topic to write about next session.

Till next time x

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